I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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