I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
Randomize
