I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize
