life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Randomize
