I wish I could punch you in the face.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
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What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
Did we literally take a cab across the street
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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