he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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