just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
my penis made a compromise with my morals
Randomize
