I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
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