I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
