Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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