Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Randomize
