No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
