his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
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