Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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