Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
