tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
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If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
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