I wish I only lived at night.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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