last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Randomize
