there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Randomize
