fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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