I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
