she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
