He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Randomize
