you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
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