I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
