Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Randomize
