She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
