This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
Randomize
