i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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