I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Randomize
