His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
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Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
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I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
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