I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
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