how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
It's never too late to be topless.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
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