i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
