I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
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