I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
