This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Randomize
