i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Randomize
