Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
