i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Randomize
