i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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