That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Randomize
