you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
I want to make a zoo with you.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
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