Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
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