Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Randomize
