Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Best orgasm I ever had! I though we totally connected and I asked him to stay over. He went back to the sigma chi house and returned with his blankie and a 40. please help
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
