Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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