I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
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