my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
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