Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
Randomize
