He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
Horny girl and non horny girl have different views on life
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
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