Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
that's fine. btw we still need $500 for the donkey...
No, veal is cruel because they chain them down, I'm talking about free range human babys here.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
Randomize
