yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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