i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
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