She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
