gavin joseph was born around 1 oclock 9lbs 12oz... over 21 inches long
Thats what she said
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
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just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
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This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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