Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
