My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
just found my diary from when i was 14. i demand a drinking game of this.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
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